It's not so strange when you think about it. The immediate family will never forget the loved one; there is never any danger of that. But the thought that others may is scary and painful for the family. Why? Because it calls into question the loved one's very existence, heightening the sense that they are gone. There is also something surreal (not in a good way) about being in situations where the loved one is never spoken about when normally they would be -- it feels as though you're in some parallel universe where the loved one never existed. It's quite creepy actually.
I never even recognized how many things are designed to memorialize: scholarship funds, named donations, named races, and pretty much everything named after someone. So, every time a scholarship is given, every time someone announces an event at a named-park, someone is remembered and they remain with us.
For example, I thought of the funeral and burial process as ways of saying goodbye. But my goal in both services was to help people know my son and to cement memories of him in the minds of others. I want Tommy to be remembered...always.
P.S. After I wrote this journal entry I came across a quote that expresses pretty closely what I've said here; it's good to know I'm not alone.
For example, I thought of the funeral and burial process as ways of saying goodbye. But my goal in both services was to help people know my son and to cement memories of him in the minds of others. I want Tommy to be remembered...always.
P.S. After I wrote this journal entry I came across a quote that expresses pretty closely what I've said here; it's good to know I'm not alone.
If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift. --Elizabeth Edwards
What is sad for us is that we never actually had the chance to meet Tommy in person. But I take comfort in the fact that I will, one day, be able to give him a big hug in heaven.
ReplyDeleteWe look forward to that day too, every day :)
DeleteQueridos Troy e Milka,
ReplyDeleteTenham certeza de que todos nos que conhecemos o Tommy, ainda que por um breve contato, como no meu caso, sempre nos recordaremos dele como uma criança feliz e cheia de vida.
E a lembranca dele vem a minha mente todos os dias, every single day... E nesse momento eu aproveito para enviar para voces, mesmo que de maneira geograficamente muito distante, um apoio para superar este momento que certamente eh o mais dificil da vida.
Um grande abraco,
Marcelo Matsuda
Vcs viram o Tommy cheio de energia mesmo naquele dia no shopping! Ele ficou correndo muito, tanto que era menos cansativo segurar ele no colo do que correr atras :) Nao sei se vcs lembram mas quando andamos de Cable Car em San Francisco o Tommy caiu no sono no colo e isso aconteceu pouquissimas vezes na vida dele! Entao mesmo em breve contato vcs conheceram o Tommy muito bem. Abracao, Troy
DeleteThank you for putting this into words, Troy. Of course, it makes perfect sense. But (stupid humans that we are), we sometimes get fooled into thinking that we need to avoid even discussing things that are painful at all costs... As if such a thing were really even possible. Hugs to you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think this post has been one of the most "useful" in terms of helping everyone get on the same page. Thanks for reading Dan. Hugs to you too.
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