Dear Tommy,
A few days ago I called the coroner's office to see if they had made any progress on your autopsy. They had warned us that it could take months to finalize the case. It is a long and bureaucratic process. We heard some families wait almost a year for the final report. So last Tuesday I called the office but I wasn't expecting to hear anything new. To my surprise, the lady said that they did have some news. I froze. Why did I make the call when Papai was not there with me? Then she told me what we already knew (or at least suspected). Cause of death: Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. It means that they did not find out the cause of your death.
We had talked to the medical examiner in the past and she warned us they would probably not discover what happened to you. So I wasn't surprised to hear the news (or the lack thereof). Still, it was a slap in the face. More than that, a realization that now it is official. It made everything more real: you are not here, you are not coming back, and you did die.
I wonder if Papai had a feeling this was coming. Because last week he had a delicate conversation with your stuffed animals. We couldn't hide it anymore, so he told them the truth, the reason why you never came back home. They seemed confused. Just understand that it takes some time to absorb everything that is happening. They had so many questions but Papai did not have all the answers. I'm afraid most of the questions will never be answered. Curiously, they were not so concerned about the cause of the death itself but mainly why YOU, out of all the people in the world, had to pass that way.
They all agreed a universal rule has been broken: stuffed animals are not supposed to be orphans. It has been hard to accept it. However, they made a promise. They will love you and celebrate all the memories they have with you everyday of their existence, even if one day another child decides to adopt them.
What happens now? I don't know, meu amor. But we will all keep searching for answers. We will keep looking for you, and we will be always thinking of you.
Eu te amo muito muito muito.
Mamae
A few days ago I called the coroner's office to see if they had made any progress on your autopsy. They had warned us that it could take months to finalize the case. It is a long and bureaucratic process. We heard some families wait almost a year for the final report. So last Tuesday I called the office but I wasn't expecting to hear anything new. To my surprise, the lady said that they did have some news. I froze. Why did I make the call when Papai was not there with me? Then she told me what we already knew (or at least suspected). Cause of death: Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. It means that they did not find out the cause of your death.
We had talked to the medical examiner in the past and she warned us they would probably not discover what happened to you. So I wasn't surprised to hear the news (or the lack thereof). Still, it was a slap in the face. More than that, a realization that now it is official. It made everything more real: you are not here, you are not coming back, and you did die.
I wonder if Papai had a feeling this was coming. Because last week he had a delicate conversation with your stuffed animals. We couldn't hide it anymore, so he told them the truth, the reason why you never came back home. They seemed confused. Just understand that it takes some time to absorb everything that is happening. They had so many questions but Papai did not have all the answers. I'm afraid most of the questions will never be answered. Curiously, they were not so concerned about the cause of the death itself but mainly why YOU, out of all the people in the world, had to pass that way.
They all agreed a universal rule has been broken: stuffed animals are not supposed to be orphans. It has been hard to accept it. However, they made a promise. They will love you and celebrate all the memories they have with you everyday of their existence, even if one day another child decides to adopt them.
What happens now? I don't know, meu amor. But we will all keep searching for answers. We will keep looking for you, and we will be always thinking of you.
Eu te amo muito muito muito.
Mamae
xxx There are no words so I am just going to send you both a virtual big hug. It seems so wrong that if they cannot find a cause that they would just die like that when there are other children, people who are left severely disabled but yet live. Maybe my thoughts are unkind but I do wonder about that. How can someone so healthy just pass away when someone merely existing has to continue to do so for years sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI wish you did not have to be on this path and think of you often. Big big hugs to you and Tommy's stuffed animals. xxx
Thanks Steph. Feels like you read our minds :) xxx
DeleteNunca vou esquecer aquele dia, quando a minha måe me deu a triste noticia de que o Tommy havia falecido... eu tive um ataque estérico, comecei a gritar, que nåo era verdade, o Tommy está vivo!! Depois a dor tomou conta, lembrava da visita dele aqui, como ele brincava, a energia dele, a curiosidade em descobrir o mundo, como era possivel? Imagino como é dificil aceitar, até hoje nós não conseguimos aceitar o que aconteceu...Sabe a cadeirinha do Owen, tá guardada aqui, e toda vez que passo por ela, lembro que da ultima vez o Tommy estava nela... Nós também sempre lembramos dele e pensamos em vocês, nunca o esqueceremos, ele vai sempre viver em nosso corações, lembraremos sempre do seu jeito elétrico, do seu olhar explorador e curioso, da sua simpatia. Obrigada pelo espaço que vcs criaram, assim também nos ajuda a aliviar a dor e a saudade, podemos compartilhar os nosso sentimentos e dizer o quanto amamos o Tommy e vcs.
ReplyDeleteVivi e Sonoda
Milka, Troy -- I read these posts with tears spilling from my eyes. Just imagining your loss is that painful. But the thoughts and feelings you've written here are also amazingly, intensely beautiful; thank you for sharing them. Tommy was very, VERY lucky to have you as parents. It's clear that he was very well loved. I think about you both, and I've been praying for you.
ReplyDeleteYes, Tommy was very loved. In fact, I have a little secret to share (which I'll write about in a future post). I know it will sound a bit strange and perhaps even morbid, but here goes. Given that I became a parent rather late I'd accepted the fact that even if I saw my grandchildren, I'd be too old to play much with them. Another thing is that you really only get to fully enjoy the company of your kids until they are 18 or so; after that its college, dating, marriage and family. I decided I needed to love and enjoy my son as much as possible. So every few weeks I'd tell Milka of how much time I had left until Tommy's 18th birthday, and that I wanted to spend MORE time with him each day. It really did help me prioritize my days, and to put him first. Of course, I didn't realize I'd have only 17 months rather than 18 years with him, but I'm so thankful that I did this from the very beginning of his life. I've tried to start thinking this way about all my family and friends too.
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