It's been a while since I last wrote on the blog. These past few weeks have been hard. The sadness is the same as it was 6 months ago, perhaps even stronger. Back then we were sad, but everything also felt very foggy; deep down there was hope that one day we would wake up from this horrible nightmare. Now everything feels very real.
Lately I have been feeling a little bit like an alien, like I don't fit in this world. The world is shaped for unbroken families that celebrate Easter, Mother's Day, birthdays and enjoy summer time together. Those dates have a completely different meaning to us now. They remind us that Tommy is not here with us.
I'm afraid most people think (and expect) that we are probably getting over our grief. For example, some friends were surprised to hear that we go to the cemetery 3 times a week. But there's no "getting over" or "moving on" when you lose a child. Going to the cemetery is part of our new life, just like our other rituals of saying good morning to Tommy or sleeping with one of his stuffed animals.
The funny thing is that last December a lady whom we had never met before came to us at Tommy's memorial service and shared that she had also lost her child unexpectedly more than 30 years ago. She bluntly confided: "I just want you to know that in a few months you will feel much worse." I honestly thought that was very strange. After all, who says that to a parent who just lost a child? But now thinking back those were probably the most honest words we heard, and I am sincerely grateful for her. Much better than "everything happens for a reason", "Tommy is in a better place" or other platitudes I am so tired of hearing.
On the positive note, in these past 6 months we have also made new friends. Unfortunately, they have been in our shoes, they are parents like us who also lost their precious children. They have helped us feel not so unfit for this world. They've taught us that it is okay to be in a dark place and there is no getting over the grief of your child. It has been a safe place where we can share our feelings and fears.
Milka
P.S. If you've arrived at this blog because you've lost a child, I encourage you to seek out groups like the SUDC Program, Kara (a local grief support program in Palo Alto, CA) and The Compassionate Friends.
Lately I have been feeling a little bit like an alien, like I don't fit in this world. The world is shaped for unbroken families that celebrate Easter, Mother's Day, birthdays and enjoy summer time together. Those dates have a completely different meaning to us now. They remind us that Tommy is not here with us.
I'm afraid most people think (and expect) that we are probably getting over our grief. For example, some friends were surprised to hear that we go to the cemetery 3 times a week. But there's no "getting over" or "moving on" when you lose a child. Going to the cemetery is part of our new life, just like our other rituals of saying good morning to Tommy or sleeping with one of his stuffed animals.
The funny thing is that last December a lady whom we had never met before came to us at Tommy's memorial service and shared that she had also lost her child unexpectedly more than 30 years ago. She bluntly confided: "I just want you to know that in a few months you will feel much worse." I honestly thought that was very strange. After all, who says that to a parent who just lost a child? But now thinking back those were probably the most honest words we heard, and I am sincerely grateful for her. Much better than "everything happens for a reason", "Tommy is in a better place" or other platitudes I am so tired of hearing.
On the positive note, in these past 6 months we have also made new friends. Unfortunately, they have been in our shoes, they are parents like us who also lost their precious children. They have helped us feel not so unfit for this world. They've taught us that it is okay to be in a dark place and there is no getting over the grief of your child. It has been a safe place where we can share our feelings and fears.
Milka
P.S. If you've arrived at this blog because you've lost a child, I encourage you to seek out groups like the SUDC Program, Kara (a local grief support program in Palo Alto, CA) and The Compassionate Friends.
I can't understad anyone being confused that you visit Tommy 3 times a week. I am confused how you manage to not sleep there, stay with him all the time, like you should have been able to for a lifetime.
ReplyDeleteI am thankful that you are being allowed to be happy and sad in your own way, that people are there to tell you there is no wrong way. You wake up every morning, and you live your life the best you can. That is an amazing accomplishment. No one should ever expect more from you, until you can give it.
As always, thoughts and prayers.
Milka. Admiro sua honestidade. Continue lutando contra as normatividades de uma sociedade que não é feita pra gente quebrada, porque desconfio que ninguém é "unbroken"; talvez, gente quebrada pela perda de filhos, como vcs foram, sejam os menos alienados da consciência de uma situação humana que todos partilhamos. Desejo-lhe a visitação, ainda que por instantes, da fé, esperança e amor. As duas primeiras passarão, mas a última permanece e possibilita as outras duas. Continue amando Thomas intensamente nas diversas, multiplas e infinitas manifestações possíveis. Abraço com carinho!
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